So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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