It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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