i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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