Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Randomize
