I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize