I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
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