I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
