I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Randomize
