I'm gonna have a badass scar
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize