I accidentally had phone sex last night
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
