im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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