just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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