I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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