You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Randomize
