so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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