Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
