he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
