Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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