I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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