You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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