Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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