We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
