her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
