when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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