i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
So gin and wine won't be happening again
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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