A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
