if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize