he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
