Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
