Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
