He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
