I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
