M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
