I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
