forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
