3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
