I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
