i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
