I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize