Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
