I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
