Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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