And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
