Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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