someone threw a dead crab at me
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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