listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She tied me up with her honor cords...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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