I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
