If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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