how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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