I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
