you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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