I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize