I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
