Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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