I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize