It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
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