Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
