I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
