Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
