u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize