well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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