I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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