jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
