i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
